Book 147: Moldova (English) – The Good Life Elsewhere (Vladimir LORCHENKOV)

[Serafim’s father] told his son, “Never give your all to this land. Think about how to get yourself out of here.”

So Serafim came up with a plan: Italy. He’d go to Italy. To a country where the streets are always clean, the people are kind and pleasant, where without having to kill yourself you’d make in a month what you couldn’t earn in three years of working the land in Moldova. Where the earth smells fresh, like pasta seasoning, where the sea is salty, warm and radiant, like the sweat of a woman you’re lying on top of…

There seems to be a bit of a pattern in all the books I’ve read about Moldova (both of them!) – the Moldovans playing foreigners at (for the Moldovans) an unusual sport. (The other one was Playing the Moldovans at Tennis by Tony Hawks, where he challenges the Moldovan football team to tennis);.and depression and apparent loathing for their own country. Of course, you can’t judge a country or its literature on the basis of two books (one written by a foreigner), but here there doesn’t seem to be much choice…

So what to do if you’re in grinding poverty in a country which may not exist at all (let’s not even mention Transnistria here!), where even the president has no greater ambition than to be an immigrant assistant pizzeria cook (which reminded me of Petronius’ story of the Asian king who made himself a slave in ancient Rome so that he might eventually become a Roman citizen).

Well, if you are inventive, ignorant, hopeful, and more than slightly crazy, like Serafim, you form a plan for you and your fellow villagers to emigrate to Italy by forming a curling team to supposedly take part in the European championship (after learning what curling is, and how to play it, of course).

As in the quote above, Serafim has a completely unrealistic, utopian vision of Italy. It reminded me of the dean in the story told by the Good Soldier Švejk who didn’t believe that Australia existed. Serafim teaches himself Italian (or was it Chinese? The textbook was missing its title page!), the villagers teach themselves curling (a game that is perhaps a symbol of the journey’s obstacles) and off they go on an increasingly madcap adventure.

I loved the magical realist elements (the flying tractor, then the pedal-powered submarine made from the tractor – complete with deck chairs!)

Of course, the way into Italy isn’t easy; like so many other would-be immigrants they are duped by people smugglers. It is hard enough for them to get into Romania (most Moldovans speak Romanian – the country is basically the part of Romania that was annexed by the USSR during World War II), let alone Italy.

The story reminded me of so many episodes from mythology and history – the Moldovan assault on Italy was like a take on Hades’ rape of Persephone; the randy teenagers were reminiscent of the Children’s Crusade; the story of Tudor’s stolen bike comes to an ending like The Life of Brian… 

This is a laughing-through-tears book. Surely it is the funniest book about so many immigrants’ cargo cult mentality about the richer countries (countries like Italy, Greece, Sweden and Ireland, whose peoples also emigrated en masse in times when they were poorer).

As so often, especially with a comedy, I can’t help wondering how much was lost in the translation, but Ross Ufberg’s adaptation reads beautifully. I think it would make a fantastic film as well as a very funny book.

Lorchenkov, Vladimir (1979 – ), The Good Life Elsewhere, translated by Ross Ufberg, Russia?, New Vessel Press, 2008, ISBN 978-1-939931-01-6

(first published in Russian 2008 as Vse tam budem)